CVS - Those Bastards...

Going to CVS makes me extremely nervous. I've found that you can't go into CVS and not spend money, and it's always more than you thought you would spend. I think this might be especially true for women, because we have to buy all kinds of scary beautification products so that guys won't think we look hideous. (While claiming that they don't like women who wear too much makeup. Trust: if we all stopped wearing blush and doing our hair, there would be a manly revolt.)

Plus CVS is like Costco: they sell all kinds of shit that no one actually needs, but when you're caught up in a buying frenzy, you suddenly believe you are rich and that you desperately need a dancing Santa with flashing lights that runs on 17 D batteries and plays Jingle Bells in an endless loop. And at $34.99 it seems too good to pass up.

So basically, every time I pass the CVS or head into it, I panic. How far over budget will I go this time? Will I end up with 6 tubes of full-fat Pringles, 3 overpriced Loreal products and a ridiculously large loop of Goody hair elastics? Again? Probably. Which is how, approximately 1 week ago, I ended up with 2 boxes of CVS brand Christmas lights. (CVS brand items are the worst offenders. They sneak up on you with their yellow CVS tags screaming, "I'm on sale! And I'm so NECESSARY! And you have a CVS card! Plus, I look just like real !") Anyway, so I decided I needed these Christmas lights, called Merry Brites brand but really just CVS dressed up for the holidays. Then I got home and realized that one box was entirely unnecessary.

Paaanic time! Because my mind starts racing: Does CVS have a return policy? What is it? Where is the receipt? What if they won't take my return without the receipt?

Today I marched my $2 Merry Brites over to CVS and waited 10 minutes to return them, sans receipt. What do those dummies give me, but a CVS MoneyCard... yes that's right, they now also carry little plastic signs of the devil: gift cards. But mine only carries a balance of $2. WTF?! When was the last time I walked into CVS and only spent $2??!! This is just a ploy to get me to go in there and spend my borrowed money!! The guy actually had the nerve to call it a coupon... WHAT? It's not a coupon! It's my $2 which you have STOLEN and placed on a CVS giftcard, so that I am forced back into your evil empire in order to make use of it! Crap!

Now I have this card mocking me every time I open my wallet, and it's making me reeaaallly panicky. Spend it? Go back to CVS? What to do, what to do? Damn CVS! (And Rite Aid, and Walgreen's, and Duane Reed...)