Tom Brady Sucks and Other Things That Make Me Nervous

I am not going to talk about how long it's been since I've posted. Instead, I plan to launch directly into some very stressful situations that have been on my mind (constantly... incessantly... interminably. There's a $10 word for you. Suckas.)

1) My G-Men - the Big Blue Wrecking Crew - are playing against the Evil New England Patriots this Sunday in the Super Bowl. You probably already knew that. If you didn't, I don't care to know you anyway, so consider our friendship terminated. As you can imagine, this is posing innumerable panicky problems for me, including all of the following, in no particular order:

a) Will we win?
b) Will Easy E play like Peyton or like "old-Eli-who-threw-picks-like-they-were-part-of-his-job-description?
c) Will Harry Carson, Phil Simms, and LT (the real LT - don't even try to front like LaDainian Tomlinson = LT. Please. That fool can't hold a candle to the real deal - forget the fact they play completely different positions. LaDainaian may be able to run past your ass, but LT can rip it off and shove it down your throat.)
d) How many times can we sack that douche Tom Brady, and will we destroy his ankle in the process? Will Gisele be there to see her lame-o, fake-ass, Stetson-commercial-whore, weird high-in-the-back-helmet-wearing boyfriend get pummeled by our front four?
e) Will Belichump (I refuse to call him Coach - that is reserved for two men: Coach Tom Coughlin and Coach Joe Gibbs. You need to have some class to get the title.) wear a hoody in the balmy desert?
f) See a).
g) Will any of our guys be hurt?
h) Will the G-Men recover from the flu in time to stage and execute the greatest upset the world has ever known?
i - z) See a).

Obviously, I'm a wreck. I've been pondering my sartorial gear for a week and half now, since I firmly believe that whatever I wear has a direct bearing on the outcome of the game. This is a serious problem. I am currently feeling the old school Giants t-shirt, blue socks, Giants hat, and Giants scarf. Anyone who has some advice and can help calm my nerves on this occasion should comment ASAP before I end up throwing something through the television and destroying my chances of actually watching the game.

2) Adding to the Super Bowl stress is the fact that the very next morning I begin what I am calling "my career." It's an intimidating title - I know. I'm intimidated myself. Very panicky. Here are the top 5 reasons why, again, in no particular order:

a) Will I have to sit in a cube?
b) What time should I get up to get there on time? Should I be 15 minutes early, or on time? Should I take 270 or 355?
c) What should I wear? Brown pants, tan shirt? Black pants, green sweater?! Black skirt with WHITE SHIRT?!?! A SUIT?!?!?!?!?!
d) Where is there parking? Will I have to pay for it?
e) Will the Super Bowl festivities/funeral from the night before get in the way of my being smiley and friendly to each person I meet? (For those of you scoffing because of my usually surly demeanor - for shame. You know I can turn on the charm when necessary. PSH.)

3) Finally - the apartment hunt rears its ugly head. I have no money and bad credit. How to get an apartment under such circumstances, or least one that doesn't qualify for Section 8? Ideally, I need a place between work and friends, with a decent kitchen, no security deposit (aaahahahahahahahaha), available mid-February, that has a decent lock on the front door. Sounds easy, right? You must be trippin'. You should see some of the places I looked at last week. Hovel would be a kind term to describe them. Hole in the ground might be more accurate. I am totally freaking over this. I will probably never find a suitable home, and I'll end up being the richest homeless bag lady to walk the streets of DC and sleep in Lafayette Park. NOOOOOO! Save me from this terrible future! Give me a home, overpriced-understaffed-poorly-managed-apartment-companies! To make it worse, I am currently imposing myself and my stuff upon my friends, who have their own lives to deal with, including a small child, and aren't trying to have my shiz all up in their family life every night, eating their food and drinking their coffee. I mean, I am NOT keeping it real.

Which leads me to my real final thought: I figured since I have some time this week, I'd get on here and hit you with some Panicky Pam. Long overdue... which posed quite a problem as I couldn't remember my password to log in, and couldn't remember the password for the associated email account, so I couldn't get to the email giving me the log in info. WHAT?!?!? I mean, panic TOTALLY ensued. What if I couldn't ever get it? What if I had to start from scratch? Think of the problems, the time, the long-distance issues over linking everything back together! Think of the disappointment, the wasted hours, the trouble!

Luckily Timmo just emailed the info to me and I logged in.

Disaster averted... for now, anyway.